What I Learned From Giving Birth 11 Weeks Early
About myself, about life, and about postpartum panties
I just finished up a series about my experience giving birth 11 weeks early, and when I was walking the dog last night I started thinking about things I learned from that experience. Of course I didn’t have a pen or paper or my phone, I just rattled off thoughts out loud to the dog as we trudged up the hill. She’s a good listener. She’s also named for the doctor who delivered my daughter 11 weeks early.
Before I jump in to the list (we all love a list!) - ICYMI here are the pieces about my experience:
Part 2 - Trying to Keep it All In
So what did I learn? That working with the negatives can make for better pictures? Yes, Drake is right when he sings that lyric.
Here we go - in no particular order (okay the biggies are at the end, so orderly-ish):
There is a lot of blood after you give birth. Had no idea. I was not prepared. Even though I know our bodies are essentially blood and water and the baby has been growing in a sac of water surrounded by blood…
You receive a stash of giant rectangular pads to arrange in stretchy mesh underwear to address the blood. I learned that I liked that stretchy mesh underwear - it does not dig in and allows for nice air flow.
Pumping, oh my word, the pumping and all that it entails.
People love to send flowers. I love getting them. My husband thinks flowers are lame because they die and prefers live plants (very on brand for him). We still have the plant his mother sent us. I will sort of concede the point but having flowers covering every surface of the house was delightful.
The ins and outs of the NICU. How to ask questions, read monitors, read charts, take notes, show up for rounds. Little did I know I would have to do it again when my son was born!
A deeper appreciation for life’s trials and tests - to see all sides and still find the beautiful, wild and awesome. The NICU can be scary. The outcomes can be scary. But I would try and think about this place where all of these people and systems and processes had to come together to care for these beautiful little beings. All these synchronicities would show up - our nurse the first night was from Tenerife where I’d been when I lived in Spain, our nurse the next full day in the NICU was Tammy like the woman we baby-sat for growing up, the number 18 showing up multiple times, the head neonatologist was our neighbor’s protege - all these things kept lining up. I learned to think of the NICU as a kind heaven on earth.
When things get tricky, who shows up. Who is walking through the door of the hospital to be there for you. That all of my work to build genuine, authentic relationships with people paid off in a sense because many, many people showed up. That’s not my goal is building connections - to get something in return - it is just who I am. People showed up for me because of who I am. This is something I need to continually remember.
How to ask for help. People want to help but you have to tell them what you need. Don’t be afraid and be specific. We had friends helping us move stone pavers my husband rescued from a demo project, dinners for weeks, people to come and be with us at the hospital, people to help entertain my stepson..and more. But I had to work up the courage to give direct, specific answers on how people could help and get over the idea that they are just saying that to be nice. They really want to help, take them at their word. Then let them help.
I am not in control.
Surrender because I am not in control.
Now, it is easy to slip back into the grind of daily life and lose sight of these lessons eight years later. I lost my cool and screamed “shut up” to my darling daughter last night after she shredded my last nerve while trying to get dinner on the table. Then she wrote out a question word by word on flashcards like the guy on Love, Actually because she whispered she couldn’t talk because I told her to shut up. We patched it up, Dr. Becky says (I think it’s Dr. Becky) the most important part is the repair. Right? Through all of this, the most important part is how we adapt, learn, and move forward. These lessons are still there, and I can still access them. So can our dog.
PS - I wasn’t kidding about the flowers:
Thank you for reading - it means so much to me. Please share, like, ask questions, comment.
What are some major lessons you learned from your birth experience OR a life experience?
Live plants or flowers?
Best way someone showed up for you in a time of need?
Loved reading this series!! Such a powerful story. Would love to hear more about your decision to have more kids and what those journeys were like after such a wild initial experience (if you’re willing to share, of course!!) and to answer one of your questions: birth taught me that there is no one “right” way to do anything (esp when it comes to guving birth & parenting). Life is about weighing the pros and cons for your personal situation and making the best decisions that you can in the moment!
I thought that I was the only one who actually liked those mesh undies! I have a pair stored in a baby memory box in my closet. And what a beautiful way to describe the NICU--a Heaven. I delivered two NICU graduates myself, so I understand your meaning. I was losing my mind too badly to notice and appreciate synchronicities and people showing up for me during my own experience, but that just brings me right to appreciating Numbers 9 and 10. Thank you for this.