United States v. Kendall - The Case of the Incompetent Breastfeeder

We’ve been watching a lot of Lincoln Lawyer, Suits, and I also just finished listening to Against the Rules, the Trial of SBF. This idea came to me a few weeks ago when writing about how I weaned my youngest, which had me sorting through all kinds of feelings about competency and adequacy and lack thereof, as all my journeys through breastfeeding were wont to do. Thanks for indulging me on this one. 

CHARACTERS

Sharp Prosecutor (SP) - and I mean sharp. Sharply dressed, sharp intellect, when they bring charges they BRING IT. Basically every tough prosecutor on TV but immediate go-to for this character? Andrea Freeman played by Yaya DaCosta from Lincoln Lawyer Season 2. 

Clever Defense Attorney (CDA) - you know the ones. Charming, wily, affable, self-deprecating. They always have some kind of clever, “sticky” phrase for the jury to remember, and make a big elaborate show to the judge like a soccer player getting fouled when they feel the prosecutor has wronged them. My gut instinct is Matthew McConaughey as every lawyer he’s ever played. 

No Nonsense Judge - the classic no-BS judge that gets tired of the self-righteousness of the prosecution and the aw-shucks antics of the defense attorney. A Judge-Judy-meets-Dorothy from-Golden-Girls character. Complete with the glasses to peer down from the bench. 

Defendant: Me. Hair washed (the first day of trial at least), in full make-up, and in one of my “dress-well-test-well” outfits (I had this theory in college that if I dressed up for exams I would do better). Trying to come across as not guilty and likable at the same time.  

SCENE

An imposing courtroom. Wood-paneled walls, sound-absorbing carpet, limestone columns with Latin inscriptions, justice-is-blind statues and all that jazz. 

BAILIFF (or whoever says this in a deep, bellowing voice): All rise, all rise. Court is now in session. The honorable Judge Judy Dorothy presiding. 

JUDGE: Good morning. I hope there won’t be any more shenanigans in here like we had yesterday. I trust you all had time to get your business (she really wants to say sh*t here, but it’s court) together. Sharp Prosecutor, are you ready to call your witness? 

SHARP PROSECUTOR: Good morning. I am Your Honor. The Prosecution calls Emily Kendall to the stand. 

BAILIFF: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? 

ME: I do. I swear. 

SP: Good morning, Ms. Kendall. I see you washed your hair today. I know that’s a rarity given your track record as a mother. 

CLEVER DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Objection! Badgering the witness.

JUDGE: Sustained. 

SP: Ms. Kendall, is it true that you attempted to breastfeed all three of your children? 

CDA: Objection! Your Honor, attempted? Ms. Kendall did breastfeed all three of her children. 

JUDGE: Overruled. Answer the question, Ms. Kendall.  

ME: Yes. I mostly pumped with my first. I pumped and nursed directly with my second. I exclusively breastfed my third. 

SP: Is it true that you struggled to keep up an adequate supply for your first and second babies? 

ME: Yes. I had to supplement with formula. 

SP: Supplement with formula? I see. So you couldn’t pump enough to replace feedings, is that correct?

ME: No, I couldn’t. 

SP: And what did you attempt to do in order to improve your supply? 

ME: I researched pumping techniques on the internet. I rented a hospital grade pump which I paid for myself. In fact, I had four breast pumps when feeding my son - one in my car, one on the first floor of our house, one in his room, and one at the office I worked with HR to secure for all the breastfeeding moms in the company. I tried multiple different flanges. I tried using the duckbill valves to increase supply. I visited the lactation consultant at the pediatrician on multiple occasions. I hired a private lactation consultant which I paid for myself. I did breathing rituals. I did yoga. I did warm compresses. I power-pumped. I did weird massage techniques. I pumped every two-three hours. 

SP: But none of it really worked, did it? You could never replace a full feeding for your oldest daughter or your son?

ME: No, I couldn’t. 

SP: Your Honor, the Prosecution would like to introduce Exhibit A. Ms. Kendall, this is a picture of your pantry. Seems you left something out of your list you just rattled off to exhaust us. Can you tell us what this is?

CDA: Objection! (laying it on in a thick molasses-sounding accent) Your Honor, my client does not need to be attacked like this. 

JUDGE: Sharp Prosecutor, cut the biting commentary. The court will strike that comment, but Ms. Kendall, please answer the question. 

ME: Yes, that’s my pantry. 

SP: And can you point out what’s in the pantry? 

ME: Three bottles of fenugreek capsules, two kinds of lactation tea - one from Earth Mama, and the other from Traditional Medicinals, brewer’s yeast, and homemade, no-bake lactation balls. 

SP: So you did all of this too, and still couldn’t get that supply up? 

ME: No. 

SP: Your Honor, no further questions. 

JUDGE: Your witness, Clever Defense Attorney. 

CDA: Ms. Kendall, you are looking so lovely today. How long did you breastfeed each of your children? And by breastfeed, I want to make it clear that pumping is also breastfeeding.

ME: The first for 11 months, the second for 10, and the third for over 19 months. 

CDA: That’s a lot of time and effort you put in, which is hard to do as a new mother, and even harder when you have multiple children. How did it make you feel that you couldn’t produce enough pumping?

ME: Inadequate. Like a failure. But breastfeeding also sometimes capable and strong. Persistent. Gritty. And I loved the connection to each of my children.

CDA:  Is it true that you would do anything for your children to make sure they were healthy and thriving, even if at times it was at the expense of yourself? 

SP: Objection! Relevancy? 

JUDGE: Overruled. Answer the question. 

ME: Yes. Even though I know I should make it a priority to take care of myself too. 

CDA: Ms. Kendall, you have shown us that you put everything you had into breastfeeding, sometimes I wonder, at what cost to yourself. I just have one more question for you. Do you think the love for your children is able to be measured by the ounces of breastmilk you pump? 

ME: (hesitates) No. 

CDA: No further questions, Your Honor. 

JUDGE: I’ve never done this before but this is my courtroom and I can do whatever (she wants to say the F, but it’s court) I want. Ms. Kendall has demonstrated herself to be a worthy, competent, and capable mother, who is willing to learn and grow and adapt on her journey. The only thing she is guilty of is being too hard on herself. I am throwing out this case and dropping all charges. Ms. Kendall, you are free to go. I know you’ll probably end up back here in the court of self-doubt from time to time, but I’ll be sure to thoroughly review the charges before we move to trial and ask you to do the same. Court is adjourned. (bangs gavel).

Photo by Wesley Tingey on Unsplash

What do you put yourself on trial for as a mom? Who would you cast in the movie version of your trial? Tell us in the comments.