Everything’s Going to $h*T. So It’s a Good Time to Get Into Sourdough.

When my oldest was born 11 weeks early, I found a weird solace in pumping. Ten years later I’ve decided it’s sourdough.

I’ve been going through a hard time. Everything I’ve been working towards in our professional life feels like it is crumbling down in spite of my damndest efforts. My heart is shredded at the sheer injustice of affordable housing in this country (among other things), that so many well-intentioned people have made it structurally cruel (credit to Copilot for this term, I couldn’t have said it better). But here’s the thing. It’s always kind of a $h*t soup out there. Always. Since the dawn of time. Since the invention of the wheel. The ingredients are just different. Or maybe they’re the same ingredients, just the flavors are different. The point is, soup needs good bread.

Okay so really the point is when I can’t fix, I need to fixate. I need a project. Something I can control. Something I can fiddle with and obsess over and pour into. Almost ten years ago that was pumping.

My oldest was born 11 weeks early in spite of an incredible medical team’s damndest efforts. The whole situation was entirely out of my hands. I had to hand it over to God/the Universe and accept it. Something I am not good at, accepting. But when you must hand over your baby that was really my only choice. That acceptance brought such peace. Now, that doesn’t mean I wasn’t stressed or scared or didn’t have moments of sheer panic or breakdown. I did. I’m an enneagram four, after all. But there was this overarching peace that came with knowing that I had to accept what was totally out of my control.

I wish I could have that again - get to that place again during my current circumstances, but something about this is different. I can’t let it go as easily as I did back then. It seems like this time more should be in my control because this is my work, my livelihood. Maybe it was because back then my work was physically done in a way - the baby was here, physically separate from me, and I KNEW I did not have the capacity or the expertise of a level four NICU. So what did I have? Milk supply, and an attitude of grace. I promised God (okay told God) that since I needed to be in charge of something, I was committed to treating everyone in the hospital with kindness and grace, and I would be in charge of food production for my daughter. Hence the pumping.

Pumping is tricky. Fickle. Fiddly. Parts and tubes. Schedules. Measuring. I would plumb the depths of the internet looking for tips to boost production, the best lactation cookie recipes, and miracle pump parts. I would pepper lactation consultants with questions. I would proudly present my stash at the hospital, knowing it would nourish my beautiful girl. All of this fiddling nourished me as well. It kept me going while we watched and waited each day until we got to come home.

Today my kids are 9, 6, and 4 and it’s not pumping. What’s going to keep me going is going to be sourdough. Sourdough is tricky. Fickle. Fiddly. Digital scales. Feedings. Tracking. Timing. I made my first loaf last week. Took three pages of notes from my sourdough guru Julie. Peppered AI with questions. Watched. Waited. It turned out really well. The whole loaf was gone in two days. I produced something that nourished my family, and in the process, nourished me as well.

So as I wrestle with where I am right now, I am going to pour into what I can control. And tre to my nature, it’s a project - a fussy, funny undertaking that with time, patience, care, and attention can produce magic. Those nights in a quiet room with the whir of the pump and the glow of my phone as I watched my daughter sleep on the Nicview camera are long gone. But the lessons of that season are still with me. Find what nourishes me and share it with others. Because even sh*t soup needs good bread.

For more about my first pregnancy journey delivering 11 weeks early, check out this piece: https://theletdown.substack.com/p/what-i-learned-from-giving-birth

Anyone else out there making sourdough? Tips welcome. Pumping? I’ve got lots of tips.