Did I Create a Little Monster?

Or a rage koala? I breastfed for 20 months…four months shy of the Holy Grail. I now have a toddler who must think I’m a marsupial.

I’ve written a lot about the gold medal I’ve awarded myself for breastfeeding exclusively for 20 months. I’m the comeback kid of breastfeeding - all hail the mother of the year! Tell ‘em what she’s won! A very demanding toddler who insists on being held when in my presence, doesn’t sleep that well through the night, and flops on the floor in a fit of rage if I have to set her down. 

There are times when I would love nothing more than to hold her - but she doesn’t want to sit on the couch and be held while I read a book or watch Bake-Off. She wants to be paraded through the house and point at all the snacks in the pantry until you grudgingly give in to the Lucky Charms. Yesterday, she pretended to offer me the coveted marshmallows that she snatched back at the last minute and pop into her mouth with a cackle. I eventually received a rejected oat in the shape of a spade. Magically delicious.

At dinner she insists on sitting on my lap and will scream until I relent. The screaming irritates everyone else at the table. I give in so we can resume dinner in a state of tenuous calm. I know what you are thinking because I know what I am thinking. That’s not setting a boundary, Emily. If you were the pilot of a plane you’d terrify all the passengers with your herky-jerky boundary setting! Dr. Becky and The Big Little Feelings people say they don’t judge but come on, really? THE PILOT DOES NOT HAVE A TODDLER SCREAMING IN HER FACE! 

And I wonder, is this from all the breastfeeding? In these situations I used to whip out a booband calm her down. So convenient! But I wonder…my older two, the NICU graduates, who were breastfed and bottle-fed never presented a rabid baby koala phase. They also are champion sleepers. I empty my son’s ostomy every night which involves getting him out of bed, on a changing pad, and back into bed. If he wakes up on occasion, he requests a sip of water and goes right back down. I can’t even linger outside the door of the baby’s room for an extra half-second before I am detected. I used to feel guilty I wasn’t able to be with them every minute while they were in the NICU (oh my GOD they will have ATTACHMENT ISSUES!), but now I recognize this has turned into a strength. They are great sleepers and not stage-five clingers. 

This morning at 4:17 AM the baby woke up fussing. This was more than her usual fuss and resettle, so I brought her into our room. I know, I know - THE PILOT DOESN’T LET THE PASSENGERS INTO BED WITH THEM! The pilot has a function called auto-pilot and for all we know is asleep up there in the cockpit so essentially, that would make the passengers IN THEIR BED! She pointed at hubs, said, “Dada!” and gave a little snort to mimic his snoring, and proceeded to lay quietly until 6 AM. Since she wasn’t sleeping I decided to put her back in her own bed which triggered a twenty minute scream sesh. I turned on my noise machine and went back to sleep too. It’s a snow day for crying out loud! 

My best friend and I were analyzing this last night - did breastfeeding lead to this situation? Her sister nursed her baby until he was three, and every now and again he comes by for a good sniff of mom and moves on. “We’re animals, after all. Sounds like your baby has a strong healthy attachment to her mama and she is the baby after all. The baby is just kind of like that.” Nothing like the solid perspective of a Northeastern Ohioan and psych major.  Straight outta Wadsworth! Take that, Big Little Feelings! (I do like them but all of the advice all the time, while mostly helpful, is I think part of what gets us into this mess.) Bottom line? Jury is out. Just like each one of my pregnancies, my deliveries, my breastfeeding experiences, each one of my kiddos is their own unique little animal figuring out their way. I can’t wait to go home and scoop up all three of my little koalas, rage and all. And maybe they’ll watch Bake-Off with me. Maybe.

Photo by Steve Franklin on Unsplash