Comedy Bit
I put myself out there to do an open-mic stand-up comedy bit. No one else showed up.
Maybe it’s because they were too busy doing hyped-up fall activities like
talks about in her latest article. Oh well, here’s hoping The Universe will reward me for showing up, right, and who better than to share it with than you, dear readers!? So here goes:How many of you here have an IUD?
How many of you here got pregnant with an IUD? (every uterus in the room just went whooooo).
Just me? It’s a point zero one percent chance. I’m your statistic. I’ve got you covered.
Yes, I got pregnant with an IUD. This is because my dear husband has the Michael Phelps of sperm. He has six kids total. Like a stud horse. I wish he could get paid like those Kentucky Derby winners or at least maybe a Wheaties deal like Michael.
How did all this come to be? A little ditty about Jack and Diane - my husband, the football star, knocked up his high school girlfriend, the preacher’s daughter. They were on the Jesus Says Don’t sex ed plan.
Pretty sure he is now the poster child for why that plan never works.
Most parents have some awkward version of the talk they deliver at like the worst time ever.
My husband’s dad, Herbert Jasper the Third, one upped the talk with a visual, and sat my hubs down in middle school with a 3-D model of the female reproductive system - you know the one at your gyno’s office that looks like guts? Yeah, that one.
I grew up Catholic and was on the Jesus Says Don’t but There’s Also Confession sex ed plan… and we have Saturday mass so do whatever you want Saturday night and sleep in on Sunday. Saturday mass was Iike the pre-party. All sins forgiven.
My mom’s version of the talk was like a boot camp drill sergeant getting in the face of new recruits: Emily, all they have to do is zip up their pants and walk away! You could die or be saddled with a lifetime burden!
Gosh, sex sounds like a lot of fun when you put it that way, and you are really selling this whole motherhood thing, mom.
So my sweet hubs marries his high school girlfriend, they have their love child and another kid and she has lots of affairs. My husband found out because their four year old told him that mommy has a boyfriend. Sounds like mommy’s boyfriend might be dead soon.
He didn’t kill him - he said you can have my wife, it’ll be worse than killing you.
So here he is crushed to the soul by the love of his life. His first and only - worth defying Jesus for. He swears off dating for over five years until he meets “the one.” On e-harmony. Lord help me.
The “one” mysteriously cannot be on birth control for “health reasons” and is allegedly allergic to latex. And she gets pregnant.
I asked him, “don’t you know that they make non-latex condoms?”
And he said, “I didn’t think it would happen again.”
Apparently good ‘ole Herbie left out the whole P in the V function…hashtag Jesus Says Don’t, y’all.
You know my husband was almost named Herbert Jasper the Fourth. And I bet if he was, he would not have all these kids. He is a tall drink of water though.
So, I hear this whole Ricki Lake-Dr. Phil-Jerry Springer bonanza on our first date. And he says to me, “that’s my story, if you continue to date me, it is your fault.”
And I am thinking, “Bingo! If I want to be saddled with some lifetime burdens, this is the ticket!”
And I said, “I am a twenty-nine year old divorcee. I want to have kids - my mom really sold me on it. So if you don’t want to have any more kids let’s not waste each other’s time.”
That was over ten years ago, we have three kids together, including the IUD baby. No endorsement deals yet but those swimmers will be competing in the 2024 Summer Olympics.
Thank you so much! I’m Emily Kendall.
Photo by Matthias Wagner on Unsplash
Love this!!!!