“I’m trying to wean and get down to twice a day,” I told our physical therapist as my 16-month-old, deciding it was time for a boob break during her PT session, crawled over, pulled at my shirt and pointed at my chest.
“She’s a bad weaner,” my husband chuckled. We all laughed, the baby topped herself off and went back to her squat-and-stand activity.
I am still breastfeeding my third baby, going on 17 months at the time of this writing. We have managed to get down to twice a day - first thing in the morning and before bed. However, I have been known to whip out a boob as a form of human pacifier in a restaurant. It’s taken us a while to get down to twice a day - and I have a lot of good reasons (read - excuses) ranging from going on vacation to lunchtime camp drop-off for my oldest which meant being at home, so might as well nurse the baby. Hence the label, “bad weaner.”
The real question at this point is - who am I doing this for? Me or the baby (read - toddler)?
It’s me. Hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.
Here’s the thing. I didn’t think I’d ever get a chance at exclusive breastfeeding. My oldest was born at 29 weeks and two days after I spontaneously went into labor. For any shot at breastfeeding I had to pump from the jump, and I never made enough breast milk pumping. When she came home I was allowed (according to the medical team) to directly breastfeed twice a day. Ensuring she gained weight was critical, so anything I pumped I fortified with formula. I could never pump enough so mostly she had formula. I lugged the pump around for 11 months, barely managing an ounce a day total towards the end.
I wish I would have had the guts and the grace to call it quits a lot sooner, but when so much was out of my control, pumping was one thing I could control. It was something I could contribute when my baby was in the NICU for two months. That kept me going for as long as I did. That, plus my life quest to make sure I am good enough. I am the type of person that will search the ends of the earth seeking the pieces of the good enough puzzle. It’s an invigorating and maddening trait - I’ve learned a lot and met some fascinating people but like Jumanji sometimes I want to get out of the game and go home. I tried everything to address my milk supply issues. Yet, nothing quite knocks you down like low supply, even worse if you have a deep-seated good-enough complex. Hanging up the pumping tubes was a relief.
Baby number two, my son, was born at 37 weeks and two days. He was diagnosed at birth with Down syndrome and Hirschsprung’s disease, a colon condition where part of the colon lacks nerve endings. He had surgery at five days old. We were back in the NICU for three weeks. Fortunately, I was able to start breastfeeding him and established a strong foundation. Ensuring consistent weight gain played a role in our journey as well. I still had to pump, fortify, and supplement. Again, I didn’t produce enough pumping. I was able to nurse him four times a day. I made sure he got a certain amount from bottles, and then nursed him directly as much as I wanted. I learned to follow both my intuition and the medical advice this time. We made it ten months.
In November of 2019, I had a copper IUD placed inside my uterus. In July of 2021, at 39 years old, we found out I was pregnant. A 0.01% chance. I told God, “this better all work out, I am taking this baby home immediately from the hospital.” She was born on her due date, we went home the next day, and now 17 months later I am still breastfeeding her. No pumping.
It’s hard for me to let go of something I tried so hard to accomplish. I was given a third chance. I logically understand it’s all for comfort at this point. I logically understand that just because I didn’t have as much success the first two times doesn’t mean I am not a good mother. It’s still been hard for me to let this go - and part of me feels like why should I? We both largely still enjoy it, yet at the same time I need to make sure I am not using it as vindication or validation. So for now, I’m going to just own it - I’m a bad weaner.
Great story - I can't wait to read more!